Ten Years Gone

Pole vaulting off the futon after a restful night's sleep I waddled to the bathroom this morning. On returning I tuned tele to the local news to catch the weather forecast and traffic notices. I seldom pay attention to the middle-aged, greying patriarch and the bubblely twenty-something blond who are the co-anchors of Clear Channel, Anywhere, USA. Their banter however this morning hit me hard. A local double-murder being reported made me sit up and take notice. A 27 year-old man had walked into the local Sheriff's office and confessed to shooting, dismembering, and disposing of his parents in the family's septic tank.
I was reminded of my most recent sesssion with my tdoc. In that session I waltzed around my homocidal fantasies. Prefacing my remarks I explained how, as a primate, I am entitled to my homocidal flights of fancy. Rationalising is one of my strengths. My adeptness knows no limits. Being careful to couch all remarks so as to not alarm the tdoc I explained how when I am angry I return to the trauma I experienced 10 yrs years ago. Wishing to avenge the violence and injustices perpetrated upon me I told the tdoc I wanted the fuckers dead.
After assuring me that any chart notations concerning my fantasies would be minimal and that she is not going to report me to the authorities as a person of interest, my tdoc began to explain the research Marcia Linehan and her associates conducted with victims of trauma, including Holocaust survivors. The researchers had asked themselves, "Why is it that some persons get beyond a trauma and go on to live productive lives while others get 'stuck' and do not grow." The answer, Linehan reported, was what she called "Rational Acceptance". Trauma victims who recognise that there are injustices forced upon human beings sometimes have no resolution but life goes on. Healthy surviviors don't forgive and forget, they move on.
The murderer of his parents had experienced a severe trauma years earlier. It is being reported that family members said he had been involved in a pub fight some years ago and had been beaten so badly he had nearly died. They reported he "never got over it". I can't help but wonder if he had sought mental health services and why this tragedy had to occur when it was so easily preventable.
I am still intellectualising the Linehan concepts. When ready I will accept graciously and gratefully the notion that I am not a "bad" person and that I can and will put the past where it belongs. Time to move on.