Anyone get the license number of that truck?

(911): "Dispatch. What is your emergency?"

(man's voice): "I...I need...I need help!"

(911): "Yes, sir. What is your emergency?"

(Man): "Oh...my arse...my arse..."

(911): "Sir, I'm having trouble understanding you. You are wimpering, sir."

(Man): "Oh god, it hurts...please help me...I...I've been violated!"

(911): "Sir, what is your location?"

(Man): "I'm on Main Street."

(911): "Sir, are you injured? Please describe your injuries."

(Man): "My arse is sore!"

(911): "Sir, are you bleeding?"

(Man): "I don't know...I think so...I'm not sure!"

(911): "Sir I am preparing to send help. Sir can you describe your attacker?"

(Man): "There were a lot of them..."

(911): "Sir, can you describe them? Were they black or white?"

(Man): "Mostly white, I guess...oh god this hurts...please make it stop..."

(911): "Sir, yes, what were they wearing?"

(Man): "They had on suits and ties, some in wescots...for the love of god..."

(911): "Sir, did they say anything? Did they speak to you?"

(Man): "I heard...that is I think they said...'We got your sub-prime right here!'"

(911): "Yes, sir, I see. Sir, I am dispatching Congress to your location. 535 trained professionals will help you."

(Man): "Oh god! Please, forget I called. Nevermind. Forget it. I can't take another reaming. Please, just forget it!"

(911): "I'm sorry, sir, I can't do that. Once you report a crime has been committed action must be taken."

(911): "Sir...are you there sir?..(to Supervisor: 'He hung up')"

Satirical prophecy

"I don’t have to tell you things are bad, everybody knows things are bad: It’s a depression! Everybody’s out of work, or scared of losing their job; the dollar buys a nickel’s worth; banks are going bust; shop-keepers keep a gun under the counter; punks are running wild in the street; nobody anywhere seems to know what to do and there’s no end to it! We know the air is unfit to breathe and our food is unfit to eat. We sit watching our TVs whilst some local newscaster tells us that “today we had fifteen homicides and sixty-three violent crimes” as if that’s the way it’s supposed to be! We know things are bad, worse than bad: they’re crazy! It’s like everything everywhere is going crazy, so we don’t go out anymore! We sit in the house and slowly the world we’re living in is getting smaller and all we say is “please, at least leave us alone in our living-rooms - let me have my toaster and my TV and my steel-belted radials and I won’t say anything! Just leave us alone!” Well I’m not going to leave you alone. I want you to get mad! I don’t want you to protest, I don’t want you to riot, I don’t want you to write to your congressman because I wouldn’t know what to tell you to write, I don’t know what to do about the depression and the inflation and the Russians and the crime in the street – all I know is that first you’ve got to get mad! You’ve got to say “I’m a human being goddammit! My life has value!” So, I want you to get up now, I want all of you to get up out of your chairs! I want you to get up right now, and go to the window, open it, and stick your head out and yell “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!"

Paddy Chayefsky, "Network", 1976

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

Following his latest prestidigitation of derring-do by hanging upside down bat-like a full two meters above the ground for sixty hours, self promoter/illusionist/and all around wanker David Blaine has announced his intention to defy civil authorities and wander the streets of Detroit's Harper Avenue area for 24 hours. Blaine, the idol of 12-year old boys who randomly describe him as "wicked cool", says despite warnings from Detroit police he will roam the 'hood unarmed and without body armour. "We don't even go there", Sergeant Kummo Vincetti of the Detroit Metropolitan Police stated. "It's a war zone and unless you be buyin' rock or sellin' yo ass you have no bidness bein' there". A spokesman for Blaine says they are recruiting a film crew to follow Blaine but so far no one has applied for the positions of camera person or sound engineer. Blaine, who is in training to practice urinating and defecating in alleys and doorways feels he can safely survive the mean streets by using his infectious smile to ward off gang bangers. His special will air sometime next spring on FOX if a production crew can be found.
In other news, the current Congress is working feverishly to complete the Socialisation of the entire financial system begun by the Bush administration. In 1989 as the Berlin Wall came crashing down those of us at Uni struggled to keep our heads up. Our denial included statements such as, "Marxism did not fail the Soviet people. The Soviet people failed Marxism." Apparently laissez faire Capitalism has failed the American people and the American people are going to pay for the excesses of its promoters. They get golden parachutes. The rest of us get golden showers. Trickle down, indeed. Another French expression comes to mind when I watch CNN interview the heads of AIG, Lehman Bros., et al - "Mdme. Guillotine". Bring your yarn and needles down to the Battery for the party. Those of you in the front rows dig out the plastic sheets you used in the '80's for a Gallagher performance to protect your clothes.