Haiku

A silent watcher
Raven spies the wolves kill
The circle of life

Flour water yeast rises
Winter wheat remains dormant
Today I eat bread

Gnarled stiff digits
Count the rings on the tree stump
None escape aging

Back garden lies still

Spring bulbs awaken slowly
Unbroken promise

A full moon tonight
Winter clouds obscure the view
A rare blue moon month

A selfless life is
The bee working the hive comb
Next generation lives

Resignation is
Learning not to want what is
Unlearning what is

Elusive dream state
Winter"s white Spring's green
Both colours of hope

Drunken monk staggers
Full moon highlights the footpath
Bed awaits his snore

Haiku writer sits
Nature is indifferent
His needs are simple

"Volunteers of America"

Animal Farm

I am an early riser. This is most likely a result of my early conditioning with rural roots and a strong work ethic. As I lay in bed I could sense a storm brewing. I arose and moved to the kitchen. Lighting a candle I rolled a Harry Rag; the first of far too many that make these long summer days tolerable. Flashes of light outside the windows confirmed my suspicions that indeed an intense thunderstorm was imminent. 

  Exiting the house I stood on the foot path of the back garden as lightning strikes all around me flashed and sounded. I was not afraid. It is foolish for a man to defy Nature - a lesson I had learned as a youth on the lakes and in the woods of this region. But the electrical energy in the air of a summer storm I find invigorating. I began to reflect on the events of the past few weeks and I could not help but see the humour in my circumstances.
   I have been very hungry. Its the kind of hunger a man feels when he sees others feeding at the banquet table but he has to wait and is told to bus the table and take the scraps back to the kitchen to share amongst the Staff. My hunger directed me to City Hall where I had been told they had slices of American pie for enterprising individuals. I had arrived at City Hall with my plate, fork and tea towel only to be told there was no slice for me. They were very polite and took the opportunity to explain to me that only invited members of the party were entitled to the pie the State had given them. I asked them how does one get an invitation to join the party and again they were quite cordial explaining that party attendance was limited to those who are Caucasian Christian Capitalists. I walked away grateful to them for being so honest and polite in their demeanor. Still hungry and now disappointed I couldn't get any slice of the pie for myself I returned home.
   Opening the garden gate I was greeted by a small white envelop on the foot path. There was a note from my father and enclosed was a cheque. My father had heard about my dire straits and wanted to help. I slipped the cheque into my trouser's pocket and reversed my heading and walked back to town. I entered the bank the cheque was written on and waited in queue to be allowed to approach the hallowed alter that serves as a barrier to separate people from their money. The Associate granted me permission to approach and I slid my father's cheque towards her through the slot under the bars of her cage. She asked me if I had an account with the bank and I replied that indeed I do. She began to enter data into her computer and discovered my accounts with her employer were in arrears. She said she could not give me my father's money but she would be more than happy to take his money and put it towards the debt I had with my delinquent accounts. I thanked her for trying to help me to pay down my debts but explained that I would like to have the cheque back. I walked out of the bank with my father's cheque grateful to the Associate and to the bank's policies for being so careful who they give other people's money to. I walked across the street to the bank where I have other accounts.
   There was no queue in this branch and an Associate welcomed me to her window. A very pretty young woman no more than 21 years old, with a smile as bright as linen bed sheets set to dry on a back garden line examined the cheque and explained that she could not cash it. She suggested I deposit the cheque into one of my accounts and a portion of it will be available the following day with the remainder available in 5 days. I thanked her for being so careful with other people's money and explained I was hungry and needed to get food. She said she understood this but there was nothing she could do. I filled out a deposit slip for the full amount and slid it over the counter towards her. I said to the Associate, “You are an Associate and are very low in the hierarchy of this institution. But, you are going to get an earful. 

   The Federal Treasury has printed hundreds of Billions of dollars to give to your employers and many, many other banks. These banks have taken this money and have refused to tell anyone what they are doing with it. This money is your grand children's debt. A guy walks in and needs some money to buy food and you won't give it to him. Where is the humanity in your employer's policies?”
   The Associate smiled and replied, “Yes, Sir.”
    I paused, realising that I was venting to the wrong person. I apologised to this unfortunate young person who was only trying to get through her minimum wage day. I thanked her after apologising and left the bank. I grew concerned that someone would report me to the authorities as a trouble maker. “Oh well” I sighed out loud. “I'll just use more tobacco to curb my appetite. I will eat tomorrow. Maybe.”
   Arriving home the dog and cat were there to welcome me. Its comforting to come home to living things who don't care what I look like, what kind of car I don't use, or that I am not working. They love me for me; and of course they love me because I buy food for them. What they give me in companionship and loyalty is priceless.
   Putting fresh batteries into the radio I tuned in to get a report on which way the wind was blowing that day. A recently recorded speech from a University professor was amusing and lightened my mood. The speaker's Marxist rhetoric gave me pause to reflect. The speaker concluded by remarking that the Fascists running these small towns and small cities around America encourage the populace to have dope and alcohol to keep them anesthetized and subdued. The speaker mentioned that the State allows gambling in the form of Lotteries to give the underclass a glimmer of hope that somehow they'll pick the magic numbers that will take them away, however briefly, from their dismal existence. The professor spoke of how the unwritten conspiracy between the State, the pharmaceutical companies, and the psychiatric community is keeping the mental health population tranquil. The speaker suggested that as long as the populace is anesthetized they will not figure out how they are deliberately being cheated; rise up and build Guillotines to lop off the heads of their oppressors. I chuckled at the speaker's hyperbole and as the speech ended I switched stations.
   Michigan's native son, Bob Seger, was singing...
“I awoke last night to the sound of thunder
'How far off?' I sat and wondered.
I started humming a tune from 1962.
Ain't it funny how the night moves?
When you just don't seem to have that much to lose?
With Autumn closing in.”
   Concluding the time was right for a bit of street theatre I developed a plan to draw attention to myself and the rest of the disenfranchised left behind by the new Socialism.
   Two weeks earlier a half dozen smartly dressed men in black trousers and blazers over white shirts had gathered on the foot path at the busiest intersection in town. They wore scarlet red sashes. I watched and listened as they performed their rehearsed drill and chanted that marriage was to be only between a man and a woman. They displayed a large, painted cardboard gold cross and several posh signs. I was embarrassed for them but the large crowd that had gathered apparently was in complete agreement with their philosophy. I will give them their props for organisation and deployment. I wondered who put them up to it - the insurance industry? the Fundamentalists? or perhaps Yahweh had spoken directly to them from behind a burning bush? It was an ideal location for a demonstration and I at the time had made a note for future reference.
I collected the necessary materials for my "demonstration": lawn chair, some loose coinage, hand-penned cardboard sign, OSHA approved safety glasses, passport for ID purposes, ACLU attorney's mobile number.
   I placed my lawn chair on the parkway, the grassy strip between the foot path and the street. I took my seat, placed my safety glasses on my face and reached for my sign leaning it against my legs facing the street. Earlier, I had printed in large florescent letters, "I BET YOU CAN'T HIT ME WITH A QUARTER!".
I waited patiently for the money to begin rolling in. I quickly learned I might have worn more padding and a helmet as those coins hurling at me by some Brett Farve wannabes carried a sting.
   Business was brisk for a short time. Frat boy types circled the block several times for opportunities to "score". The circus evidently was in town. I was in my glory until the first police car arrived.
   The city official who drove up in his cruiser requested I, "Move along".  I  ignored his request knowing I was not violating any statutes. I did not speak or pay him any mind.
Now if there is one thing the type "A" personality that cops possess can not tolerate is being ignored. They are in charge and any threat to their authority will be met with rudeness and hostility. I braced myself for the backlash.
   I'm a big guy - at least in stature. At a hundred kilos its not easy to move my person. Back-up for the primary officer quickly arrived. I was told to rise, was cuffed and led to a waiting unit. I did not resist and I did not speak. I have read enough Thoreau to know civil disobedience only is effective if one remains passive. I had been in enough demonstrations in the early '70's and later against W's Crusade, to know not to carry so much as a nail file should it be considered a concealed weapon. 

To make a long story longer...
   Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
   I knew I could be held in lock-up for up to 48 hours if not arraigned and bonded out. My attorney could get me out on a writ before then. I was prepared to sit and wait. I was hungry and I secretly crave institutional food.
   An ADA had happened to be at the lock-up on another case and had called her boss about my detention. Her boss I later discovered had been in a secret meeting with other Upstate DA's who are trying to fuck the Cayuga Nation out  of the Supreme Court upheld treaty with the State of New York and the Cayuga Nation to a nice bit of ground often referred to as "Cayuga County". The DA's last year violated the treaty and seized 18,000 cartons of cigarettes from a vendor. Those cigarettes where on the street by 11:00 pm that night. We had bought some out of the trunk of a car to help remember the event. The ADA explained to the police they should release me. On my way out I flirted a bit with her and she smiled the coy smile women give when they are flattered by the attentions of an attractive male.
   This is the new Socialism for the New America. The banking establishment has been given hundreds of billions of dollars and won't say what they're doing with it. Local law enforcement is seizing property of another race and prohibiting that race from exercising their traditional rights. Smartly dressed men protest the right of couples of any gender to marry and receive benefits only heterosexual couples are allowed. 

   And a guy sits quietly on a street corner and humiliates himself in order to buy food. Is this the new Socialism or is this National Socialism?
"Gotta revolution!" ?

The Sisters of Satan

   The Talmud suggests that Satan will appear in the guise of a beautiful woman. Misogyny ruled early Judaic interpretation of the law. Christian fundamentalists in keeping with Old and New Testament literal mistranslations of text encourages women to be subservient to males. In the Muslim religion similar views are preserved. The belief that Satan walks the Earth stalking human beings is widely held. 

   How did this occur? What is in the post modern human psyche that allows the idea that a Supernatural being has set his sights on us? Ready to destroy us and our families.
   Ten thousand years ago as humans began to form into larger social groups in a cooperative arrangement to house, clothe and feed themselves any threat to the group was seen as coming from without. Domestic animals had to be controlled by fencing and tethering lest they destroy the crops and famine would result. The most destructive animal was the goat. A goat or goats can strip an orchard, a crop, a vineyard in a matter of hours. Later, the idea of a mythological being appeared resembling the goat replete with cloven hooves and horns who could be blamed for the all ills of mankind. From the earliest writings this being was responsible for famine, fever, and misfortune.    

   Today it is easy to see the progression of the myth of Satan through literature. Perhaps the most epic fictional account of the Fall can be seen in Milton's “Paradise Lost”. Through this piece of fiction the idea of Satan as an actual entity was promoted. Through the use of fear persons could easily be controlled. These concepts are used today in some religious organisations.
   In the UK an entire subculture has erupted concerning satanic rituals. There are rumours of cults of secret satanic organisations wrecking havoc on society. Not much of it is based in fact. The British, determined to take naughty behaviours to the next level are like children with a new toy. It is the same with their fascination with pseudo-sexual deviance. Being naughty is the Brits way of rebelling. It is for the most part harmless activity as long as no one is injured physically or psychologically. British Social service agencies have investigated fully the rumours of organised satanic cults and have found them to be without any basis in reality. Paganism has swept Britain and given her early history the interest is understandable. It’s a relatively crowded island and any form of individuality one can afford to partake in is certainly acceptable.
   Satan is now firmly established as a non-fictional character based on a culture's need to find a reason to hate what it doesn't understand.  

   Hate is a wasted emotion. It accomplishes nothing positive and creates an atmosphere of fear. Ignorance is hates handmaiden. It is through ignorance that the myth of Satan and his minions doing his bidding has invaded popular culture.
   Human evil is a reality. The planned genocide of the Native peoples of the Americas is an example of human evil. The rise of Fascism and Totalitarian regimes in the twentieth century and the wholesale slaughter of millions of persons is a product of human evil. The genocides in South East Asia and in Africa are certainly manifestations of human evil. Slavery was a product of human evil. 

   It is far easier for the human psyche to blame an outside force for man's inhumanity to man than to blame ourselves. The list is far too extensive for this article. Suffice to say let mankind take responsibility for its actions and stop blaming a mythological being.
   Ignorance is the refusal to learn. Stupidity is the inability to learn.
When people read my profile they automatically relate “Satan” as something to be avoided. It is by no accident that the first sentence of my profile reads,“I am an initiate of the Sisters of Satan.”
   A style of film arose in America prior to, during, and after WWII. French film critics who were unable to view American films during the Occupation were flooded after the Liberation with all things American. They coined the phrase “Noir” or later “Film Noir” for the stylised American films that used German Expressionist art direction and camera techniques,  snappy dialog, and a plot line that more often than not pitted a single man against forces that were out to destroy him. Joining the protagonist in the storyline was usually a very specific kind of woman. French critics recognised this female as “La femme fatale”. 

   Many actresses built their careers on playing this type of character. The competition for la femme fatale roles was fierce because these roles were so well developed by writers and deliciously evil. These are the characters that I fondly call “The Sisters of Satan”. They are my literary allusion of the Noir style la femme fatale. I coined this phrase some years ago. Their personalities are for the most part what modern psychologists would diagnosis as sociopaths. The rich film history of the film noir style with it’s over the top storyline, dialog, and superb photography I personally find fascinating. Yes, the la femme fatale caricature is misogynistic. But not anymore so than the ditsy ingenue, the Ian Fleming female heavy, or any production where weak women are portrayed as less than complete persons. The Noir la femme fatale was an extremely strong albeit sick individual. It is that contrary persona which entertains me and stimulates my intellectual interests.
   Some of the postings that have appeared in this blog have dealt with the reoccurring theme of denial. Denial is the unconscious motivation of the femme fatale.  Denial is one of the psychological issues facing each of us today. We are an anxious, frightened and potentially violent species. We need to look at ourselves and this culture and decide what we want our future is to be. We can not afford to allow zealots, charlatans, and warmongers to continue to make the policies that have so far cost the lives of untold millions of human beings. Each of us is responsible for the current war. Our children have returned from the Mideast with severe psychological issues including PTSD because of policies based on lies. Soldiers are committing suicide at an unacceptable rate. Tens of thousands of Muslims have died from the bombs dropped by American pilots flying American planes. A modern country was returned to rubble and a civil war was allowed because of the lies perpetrated upon us by men and women whose ability to lead remains suspect and whose actions if not criminal may at least be viewed as morally reprehensible.
   It is no coincidence Muslim fundamentalists refer to America as “The Great Satan”. I was ashamed to be an American after the bombing began. It has taken me 7 years to gain the courage (because I was afraid before the regime change) to say what I wanted to say. We have emerged from a very dark time. Our economy is in ruins, social services are strained to their limits, and people are losing their jobs, their pensions, and their homes.
   The anti-intellectual mindset that has been America needs to be changed.
   I am being told to stop writing from comments I have received. The Bill Of Rights tells me I can say and publish whatever I want without fear of censorship. If you don't like what I write, don't subscribe.        When ignorant, uneducated citizens and those who encourage them start trying to push academically trained, educated professionals around we get together and hire attorney's who hire investigators who look into the lives of people who want to censor others. This is called the adversarial process. The plaintiff becomes the target while their case is reduced to secondary importance. The ACLU loves to defend writers and our right to express ourselves. Only a judge can prevent a writer from creating with a gag order. Unless they assassinate the creator like someone did that unfortunate MD last month because he had the courage to save the lives of women whose pregnancies would have killed them. 

   A writer is not responsible for how the reader interprets his work. A writer can not be responsible if a reader has the inability to identify allusion, metaphor, hyperbole, or satire. A writer's responsibility is not to the reader. It is the reader's responsibility to have the intellectual capacity to comprehend the intent of what is being read.
   It is my hope that all who read my work find within it that I am a deeply empathetic, caring person who has never physically harmed anyone. I do not promote violence unless as hyperbole. If someone feels threatened by my words it is their problem. I lead my professional life in service to persons in need of understanding. My motivation in my writing is to entertain, provide information, and provoke dialog.
   If you don't like it don't read it.

"How Things Are Made"

Before there was a Starbucks on every block of both sides of the streets of the City. Before there was that odd little Dunkin Donuts man with the mustache shuffling across his bedroom floor at 4 am “to make the donuts”. Before America decided that caffeine was a legitimate stimulant with which to increase one's anxiety to levels heretofore unknown outside hospital mental health wards there was Tim Horton's.
Tim Horton was a hockey player in the early days of the NHL. He was killed, tragically, in a plane crash. When rescuers came upon the fuselage of the DHC-3 Otter airplane in the wilderness that is much of Canada all that could be identified of him were his testicles. Wolverines had ravaged the corpses of the crash victims. More about this later.
A Tim Horton's franchise is now being created at the rate one every eight minutes. It is the fastest growing enterprise in North America. In the States a Tim Horton's restaurant is also a Canadian embassy where citizens can obtain tourist information and find respite. Tim Horton's has the finest coffee and donuts in the world. There are several reasons why Tim Horton products far surpass its competitors.
The grease Tim Horton's uses to fry the donuts and used in the pastries and pies is a byproduct of the fur industry. The annual harp seal harvest creates an unlimited supply of fresh blubber. After a pup seal is clubbed it is dragged by its rear flippers to waiting skinners. With assembly line precession the skin is removed; the carcass is processed into sled dog food, and the pelts are stretched inside out. While on the fleshing boards workers quickly scrape the fat off and send it down the line to be rendered. The fat is placed in large vats and heated at high temperature to turn the solid fat into liquid. The meat that came off the skin with the fat does not liquefy. It remains solid and is sold to vendors who have concession stands at curling clubs and hockey arenas. “Seal on a stick” is very popular in Canada and is similar to the corn dog sold in the States. The now liquid fat is pumped into tanker transports and shipped to a central warehouse for distribution to franchises.
The coffee at Tim Horton's is a special brew. The beans used are from both South America and Africa. What makes the blend superior as compared to Horton's competitors is what is done to the beans before they are ground. Canadian Agribusiness subsidised by the ministries of Agriculture and Natural Resources owns and operates huge factory farms where pregnant cow moose are husbanded. The moose are kept in stanchions and their urine is collected in a gutter. The urine is pumped into tanks and the imported coffee beans are then dumped in to marinade. After a time the beans are removed, roasted and ground. This helps to explain why Canada has the lowest birth rate among third world nations.
Tim Horton was an iconic Canadian sports figure. His prowess on the ice can be attributed to the high testosterone levels recorded at his regular medicals. Horton's testicles were much larger than the average male. Forensic experts were able to determine it was indeed Horton when they examined the recovered parts of the wolverine ravaged remains from the crash site. Horton's testicles were declared by a unanimous vote of Parliament as a national treasure to be preserved and are on display at the Natural History Museum in Ottawa. "Tim Bits" are large cylindrical deep fried dough balls the exact dimensions of Mr. Horton's.
Next time you're in a Horton's you may hear a patron say, “Please double-cup that.” This phrase is self-explanatory. You may also hear a recording of a gravelly baritone voiced man in a sing/speak manner recite dour lyrics over the restaurant's speakers. Do not be alarmed by this. It is most likely Canada's poet laureate Leonard Cohen. Sit back and relax! Enjoy your coffee and Tim Bits.

Passive-Aggressive no more

Exciting new advancements in technology are allowing employers the ability to modify employee behaviours in several cost saving ways. Honeywell, the innovative force behind the new technology has developed an ankle strap that can be worn by employees which will allow Central Control to monitor an employee 24 hours a day. While in the work place employee production levels can be checked with the stroke of a keyboard. An employee who spends an excessive amount of time in the toilet, around the water cooler, or surfing the world wide web will be disciplined with a “mild” electronic impulse designed to correct the inappropriate behaviour immediately. No longer will it be necessary for management to verbally reprimand an employee. The time saving measures are designed to further distance labour from management thus eliminating the co-mingling of inferiors with their superiors. Honeywell is expected to introduce its new product at the 2010 TechnoExpo in Las Vegas.
With 24-hour monitoring employers will know where an employee is at all times. A GPS chip in the ankle strap can trace an employee from the time they leave the production floor, office, or job site. The GPS technology will register where the employee goes after work and how long they remain in any given location.
A chemical sensor in the ankle strap can detect illicit substance use and nicotine use as well as monitor the blood alcohol level of the wearer. Honeywell remains strongly committed to insuring employees do not alter their mood in ways that will hinder future job performance. Another sensor will monitor employee eating habits. Employees who do not follow corporate nutritional standards will receive an electronic impulse that will induce vomiting. The sensor will also measure and monitor an employee's BMI. Honeywell believes a healthy employee is a productive employee.
A minute microphone on the strap will record all employee conversations 24-hours a day. An employee who is critical of his employer or a co-worker will face immediate dismissal. Employees who are involved in political or religious activities deemed subversive by their employer will also be dismissed. Honeywell believes that Corporate Internationale's commitment to fighting any threat to its existence will welcome this new innovation.
Honeywell has hinted the ankle strap is a precursor to future technological innovations. Working with behavioural psychologists and neuroscientists Honeywell is expected to complete a feasibility study of sub-cranial implants to replace the costly ankle strap by 2015.

"All the faulty pointed people in the perfect pointed steeple"

During the Reagan years the euphemism “revenue enhancement” entered the lexicon to describe ways 

new taxes could be created to help pay for services necessary to keep government solvent. Thirty years later as local and state governments scramble to pay for services once funded by the Federal government one sector of society remains tax exempt. While “sin taxes” are periodically increased on alcohol, gambling, and tobacco there remains no tax on the property and income generated by religious organizations. It is time legislatures look at the potential for increasing revenues by creating a “self-righteous” tax.

For too long self-described “Christians” have been flexing their beliefs and values on persons who may disagree with them. These Christians have been getting a free ride by erecting churches and meeting houses and not paying any taxes on the land or buildings. At the same time they remain property tax exempt they also are not paying an “ether tax” on the prayers they generate. The ether is owned by the American people as described in current legislation. Persons who pray should have to pay for this privilege. A “Rapture” tax may also be included in these new revenue enhancement tools. The “Rapture” tax would be applied each time a Christian leader and his followers set a date for the occurrence and after it fails to manifest.  They will have to tithe ten percent of their Church's income to their local government. Should the Rapture occur all the property owned by those gathered up by it will be seized by the government and sold in the open market place.
The “self-righteous” tax will also include all actions deemed to be hypocritical by the legislature. With Jesus in their hearts each time a Christian has an adulterous relationship, strikes a child, or criticizes another person they will have to declare this on their annual tax return. Also, the display of a fish on an automobile will be licensed by a state's DMV.
A special tax on Gospel music will be included in the revenue enhancement package. Each time some wanna be cross-over singer who sang in their church's choir adds an annoying and unnecessary tremolo to a lyric they will have to pay a tax.
The perceived identification of the image of Jesus in snack foods, stains, or the grain of wood will be taxed.
Angels will be identified as legal aliens and will require a Green card. A tax on all of their activities will be enforced. Should an angel fail to pay their “good deeds” tax they will be striped of their legal alien status and sent back to where they came from.
Persons who condemn abortion and endorse Capital punishment will be taxed. There will appear on their annual tax return a cheque box asking if they believe abortion is an affront to God. They will be asked if they believe the death penalty is God's will.
As social services continue to struggle to keep up with the growing demand of disenfranchised individuals and family's revenue enhancement through the creation of tax parity among citizens seems appropriate. Its time legislatures at all levels of government recognise there is an untapped resource available. Let's examine the “self-righteous” tax as a viable revenue source.

Does the noise in my head bother you?

In the days before radio and long before tele became an essential piece of functional furniture in dysfunctional homes there was Vaudeville and there was Burlesque. While Vaudeville featured acts that were socially acceptable for mixed gender audiences it was Burlesque that was the for the most part the domain of men. Burlesque houses featured strippers, comedians, and male and female impersonators. The Burlesque house was a place where men could be titillated and teased.
The organisation behind the entertainment consisted of the house owner, his staff of stage hands, the booking agent, the entertainer's agent and at the bottom of this pyramid was the entertainer. Agents back then like today would get a percentage paid to them by their clients. Agents gained a reputation based on their ability to get an act work. A good agent could sell any act to a booking agent. It is said that one such agent in New York had an act from Europe that he was certain would pack houses up and down the East Coast. His pitch it is said went something like this:

Agent: “Saul, I got an act for you you can't say “No” to.”

Booking Agent: “What is it Mortie?”

Agent: “Saul, it’s a family act from Europe. They brought down the house everywhere they appeared before coming here to New York.”

Booking Agent: “Go on tell me more.”

Agent: “Saul, there is the father and mother, a son and a daughter.”

Booking Agent: “We got those here, Mortie. What do they do?”

Agent: “Well, it’s a little complicated but I'll try to explain what they tell me. The father, a very distinguished gentleman enters stage left wearing a tuxedo. He sits down in a Bentwood chair stage center and pulls out his putz and starts to pleasure himself. His wife enters stage right and kneels down in front of her husband and takes his putz in her mouth. He stands up while she's doing this and he takes off his coat, his shirt and his undershirt. He's bare chested standing there while his wife has his putz in her mouth. He leans forward and grabs her skirts and pulls them up over her head exposing her bare toches. A teenage boy comes out from stage left, who is the couple's son. The son drops his pants and mounts his mother's toches and begins to give it to her while she's got his father's putz in her mouth. The father is cheering on his son and looks to stage right and signals for the forth member of the troupe to come out. A teenage girl comes out on stage and takes off all her clothes in front of her brother and father and mother. She squats down on the stage and makes right there while her brother is buggering his mother and the mother has the father's putz in her mouth. The girl picks up what she made and walks over to her father and smears the drek all over her father's bare chest. She rubs the make on herself and then gets behind her brother and grabbing his head she rubs it all over her naked drek covered body. The curtain comes down and the audience, I'm told, goes mad and demands an encore.”

Booking Agent: “Jesus, Mortie! I have never heard of anything like that in my life! What the Hell kind of act is that? What do they call they call themselves?”

Agent: “The Aristocrats.”

Deviant Social Behaviours

Stuff to do this summer while waiting for the job market to improve*

1.) Carve the image of politicians into urinal cakes and distribute in public restrooms.
2.) Go to a dollar store, randomly pick up items and in a loud voice inquire, “How much is this?”
3.) Visit your local Walmart and defecate in the men's dressing room.
4.) Visit the drive-up speaker at a Burger King and order a Whopper. Request extra udder with that.
5.) On the hottest day of the summer season dig out your winter gear – Pac boots, snow pants, parka, mittens and wool cap. Walk around town asking folks, “Hot enuff fer ya?”
6.) Call your veterinarian and explain to him/her that your cat refuses to use its litter box and will only do its business in your gold open toed 5 inch stiletto heel sling backs. Ask him or her what can be done about this.
7.) At a four way intersection do not proceed thru the green light. While the drivers behind you honk in frustration wait until the light goes to red. When the light goes to green do not move. At the last minute before the light changes from yellow to red drive on.
8.) Find a busy pharmacy and while in the queue ask in a loud voice, “Is this the queue for the free Oxycontin?”
9.) Visit the market's fresh seafood section. Request a pound of fresh raw shrimp. Place the shrimp in your trolley and as you move up and down the aisles shopping strategically put a shrimp at the back of the shelves behind the jars, tins, and boxes of products. Return several days later and complain of the odor.
10.)In an email to all your contacts announce henceforth you will only respond if referred to as “The Dude”. Act annoyed if co-workers, friends and family address you by your Christian name.
11.) Visit the produce section of the market on a busy day and make statements such as, “Those melons appear to be firm.” Ask fellow shoppers, “Do you think this cucumber/summer squash/banana will satisfy my partner's appetite?”
12.) Visit the local Family Video. Ask the clerk where the kiddie porn section is.
13.) While out and about approach strangers and ask, “What if the Hokey-Pokey IS what its all about?”
14.) Buy several dozen condoms. Visit the local Catholic church after daily morning mass and moving across the pews insert a wrapped condom into each hymnal.
15.) At the light on an arterial signal the driver of the baby shit yellow coloured car next to you to roll down their window. Ask how much the dealer paid them to drive that car off his lot.
16.) Go online and find the times and locations of local Alcoholic Anonymous meetings. Arrive an hour early. Leave a couple of full beers at the entrance.
17.) Visit a singles club on a Saturday night. Approach an eager looking woman and compliment her on her appearance. Make small talk. Look down at her shoes and then into her eyes. Say, “Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?”
18.) Visit a pet store and release all of the animals from their cages and pens.
19.) Visit a different pet store and explain to the clerk you are having friends over for the holiday weekend. Inquire how much puppies are by the pound and ask if you can have them dressed.
20.) Rent a clown costume; apply a grease paint clown face. Stand at an intersection with a cardboard sign that reads, “Will drop pants for food.”
21.) At property tax time purchase a package of KY Jelly. Carefully open the package and remove the tube. Open the packaging completely and on the inside of the box make out a cheque for the full amount of tax owed. Present to the Assessor. Be sure to include on the memo line what the cheque is for.
22.) Dress in gnarly trash boots, black trousers, studded belt, black tee shirt with a pentagram. Apply eye shadow, mascara and black lipstick. Attend a Fundamentalist Christian Sunday service.
23.) Drive to the airport with an empty suitcase. Park. Enter the main building and proceed to the lounge area. Place the suitcase next to a chair. Leave.
24.) Over several summer evenings collect moths in a fruit jar. On the day of the premiere of a Hollywood Summer blockbuster at the cinema purchase a ticket. At the climax of the film release the moths. They will immediately fly towards the projector light and cloud the screen.
25.) The Highway Department routinely lays cables across the road to count the number of vehicles. Front tires hit the cable indicating one “ding” and the rear tires pass over indicating a second “ding” in the counter box. The number of “dings” is then divided by two to achieve an accurate accounting of cars using the road. Approach the cables with your car. Drive over with your front tires. Move forward until your rear wheels are near the cables but have not crossed them. Get out of your car, using the jack from the boot raise up the rear of the car and push it forward off the jack with the rear wheels missing the cables. Highway engineers will scratch their heads wondering why they repeatedly come up with an odd number in their calculations.
26.)Visit a Walmart Super Centre at 3 am. In the garden centre select a long handled shovel and a pick ax and place in trolley. Move on to sporting goods and select a 6 D cell Mag lite. In house wares select a shank of clothesline and a roll of duct tape. Place items on conveyor belt. If cashier speaks to you stare vacantly and do not respond. Pay with cash.
27.)Post a homage to Swift on your blog site. Title it “The Ultimate Act of Selfishness”. Your sardonic wit will be misinterpreted. Remind yourself that "if you can't please everybody you might as well please yourself”.




*For entertainment purposes only. This disclaimer includes no responsibility to pop psychology enthusiasts who have neither the education or experience concerning mental health issues to make a diagnosis based on what appears on a blog site.

Public Speaking 101

PRESENTATION to a closed meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and ALANON



Skaneateles NY



April 13 2009







Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. My name is Bill and I am here tonight to tell you about ALANON.







To break the ice I'll begin with an old joke. Don't stop me if you've heard this one. Paddy the Irishman had finished drinking at his local and closed the pub. He stumbled out to his Mini and got out on the lane way. Paddy got the old Mini into 4th gear and is motoring down the lane way when he sees what appears to be a large tree in the road. Paddy swerved to the left and as he did so another tree appeared so Paddy swerved to the right. “Mother of Christ” Paddy says, “What in the name of the Blessed Virgin is happening?” Paddy is tearing down the lane, slaloming from the left to right and back again. He flies past the Garda at 100 km who is hiding in his car in the hedgerow and the Garda peels out after Paddy with his lights flashing and his siren blaring. He watches as Paddy continues to swerve from side to side and gets on Paddy's arse so Paddy will notice him. Paddy stops in the center of the lane. The Garda walks up to Paddy's window and says, “Paddy, what the hell are ya doin' drivin' like a maniac down the lane way?”



Paddy tells the Garda about the trees in the road. The Garda looks at Paddy, looks at the Mini's rear view mirror and looks back at Paddy and says, “Fer Christ's sake, Paddy! That was yer air freshener!”







It’s all about perception.







I'd like to tell you about myself. I am a reformed alcohol abuser. I developed an allergy to alcohol many years ago. The last few times I drank I broke out in handcuffs and to avoid this unpleasant side-affect I stopped drinking.







Several years ago I was encouraged to find another occupation. Having a gift for empathy I began to take classes offered at a local junior college. Simultaneous to this I began to take the training offered by OASAS in substance abuse. My interest in substance abuse was at the time a direct result of my studies in clinical psychology. I achieved my CASACT and a degree in Human Services. I went on to Uni to gain my Bachelor's degree in Psychology. Having achieved these goals I then had to find a way to pay for them.







I have worked at several area facilities.







I accepted a position at a local substance abuse facility and became a case manager. I was fortunate because my peers, my program manager and program director were very professional. I liked my work and where I worked.







One afternoon, my program manager took me aside and asked me, “What the hell is going on? Johnny came to me and said you told him you were going to put him in prison.”



News to me.



I explained that Johnny had a lot of potential but his behaviours lately indicated that a relapse was imminent and that would mean that the 7-10 bid in State he was facing seemed likely. I explained I had been doing everything I could to help him avoid that.



The Program Manager said to me two things: “Ultimately it’s his recovery - his sobriety is his, he owns it. You have to find a way to separate what you want for a client and what they want for themselves.”



This piece of wisdom was something I could intellectualise but had not as of yet accepted in my heart. I knew that I needed to find a way to understand and accept that My will i.e. control issues were not always in the best interest of the clients I serve.







I went online and searched for a program that might help me better understand my relationship to my clients. That program was ALANON.







The issue of control is a large piece of the mindset of persons who are attracted to the field of Recovery as well as the major issue of the loved ones of alcohol abusers. Whether one chooses to use “Co-dependent”, “Enabler”, or the idiom “Control Freak” they are all the same behaviours. Too often persons who are attracted to the field of Recovery are unconsciously motivated by the mis-belief that because they are in recovery/sober they know what others need. They may have a great deal of empathy, don't get me wrong. Unfortunately their empathy is a result of mis-guided perceptions of themselves.







The psychology behind the control freak is interesting to note. Someone who needs to control is someone who is terrified that they will be found to be vulnerable. A person who needs to be in charge, who can not back off is a person who's greatest fear is of being found out to be merely human - this fear dominates their behaviours and their relationships with others.







It is thru ALANON that I learned that the behaviours of alcohol abusers belong to them. I learned that the manipulation, the denial, the compulsion to drink; all behaviours of the alcohol abuser, aren't within my power to control. I have learned that what I can control is how I present myself. I can control what I say and what I do.







It is thru ALANON I have been able to examine my family dynamic and understand my parent's behaviours and my sibling's behaviours. I understand that alcoholism is a family disease and whether drinking or not the learned behaviours associated with alcohol abuse in my family have been handed down for several generations. It is said that alcoholism is a hereditary disease. It is important to note here that the entire human genome has been mapped and there is no known genetic marker to indicate a biological inheritance. Having said that I will reiterate what I pointed out earlier – nearly all human behaviours are learned behaviours and if you look at your family of origin honestly and without prejudice you will come to understand that your behaviours are the sum total of your experiences and those experiences began when you arrived home from hospital.







The interpersonal relationships between the enabler and the alcohol abuser are unhealthy relationships. The enabler manipulates and attempts to control the drinker and in return the drinker manipulates and attempts to control the enabler. Around and around they go, sometimes for years. It’s interesting to note that often when the drinker gets sober and remains in the program the enabler leaves the relationship and finds another drinker. Sometimes if both partners are drinkers and they join a program their relationship ends because they have discovered their relationship was based solely on behaviours related to using. They discover they have nothing in common.







ALANON has given me more in the past three years than I could ever hope to return. In our one hour sessions we share the experience, hope, and strength with one another that allows us to live richer and more fulfilling lives regardless of what the alcohol abuser is doing. That one hour meeting is not a bitch-fest where we discuss the alcohol abuser(s) in our lives. The program is about the individual ALANON member. It’s a selfish program sometimes. It is not that we don't care about the drunk or drunks in our lives. It is about us learning to respect the individual to find their own way. By attending meetings and reading the literature we are re-enforced and keep an even keel in bad seas. We have learned that nagging, cajoling, and manipulating the user only makes the user more resistant to begin the process of wanting to examine their behaviours. Individuals grow at their own rate. It is a fundamental human right to be allowed to find one's path in life without interference from persons whose motives may be suspect. There was only ever one good one and they hung Him on a tree.







I began this evening with Paddy and how he perceived that there were trees blocking the lane way. It took a Garda to point out Paddy's mis-perception.







ALANON has taught me that my perceptions about myself, the clients I have served, and those close to me have been skewed by my fears that I might be found out to be only human. It is a humbling experience to be accepted for my flaws as well as my strengths. The rooms of ALANON have given me this.







Thank you and good night.