Public Speaking 101

PRESENTATION to a closed meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and ALANON
Skaneateles NY
April 13 2009

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. My name is Bill and I am here tonight to tell you about ALANON.

To break the ice I'll begin with an old joke. Don't stop me if you've heard this one. Paddy the Irishman had finished drinking at his local and closed the pub. He stumbled out to his Mini and got out on the lane way. Paddy got the old Mini into 4th gear and is motoring down the lane way when he sees what appears to be a large tree in the road. Paddy swerved to the left and as he did so another tree appeared so Paddy swerved to the right. “Mother of Christ” Paddy says, “What in the name of the Blessed Virgin is happening?” Paddy is tearing down the lane, slaloming from the left to right and back again. He flies past the Garda at 100 km who is hiding in his car in the hedgerow and the Garda peels out after Paddy with his lights flashing and his siren blaring. He watches as Paddy continues to swerve from side to side and gets on Paddy's arse so Paddy will notice him. Paddy stops in the center of the lane. The Garda walks up to Paddy's window and says, “Paddy, what the hell are ya doin' drivin' like a maniac down the lane way?”
Paddy tells the Garda about the trees in the road. The Garda looks at Paddy, looks at the Mini's rear view mirror and looks back at Paddy and says, “Fer Christ's sake, Paddy! That was yer air freshener!”

It’s all about perception.

I'd like to tell you about myself. I am a reformed alcohol abuser. I developed an allergy to alcohol many years ago. The last few times I drank I broke out in handcuffs and to avoid this unpleasant side-affect I stopped drinking.

Several years ago I was encouraged to find another occupation. Having a gift for empathy I began to take classes offered at a local junior college. Simultaneous to this I began to take the training offered by OASAS in substance abuse. My interest in substance abuse was at the time a direct result of my studies in clinical psychology. I achieved my CASACT and a degree in Human Services. I went on to Uni to gain my Bachelor's degree in Psychology. Having achieved these goals I then had to find a way to pay for them.

I have worked at several area facilities.

I accepted a position at a local substance abuse facility and became a case manager. I was fortunate because my peers, my program manager and program director were very professional. I liked my work and where I worked.

One afternoon, my program manager took me aside and asked me, “What the hell is going on? Johnny came to me and said you told him you were going to put him in prison.”
News to me.
I explained that Johnny had a lot of potential but his behaviours lately indicated that a relapse was imminent and that would mean that the 7-10 bid in State he was facing seemed likely. I explained I had been doing everything I could to help him avoid that.
The Program Manager said to me two things: “Ultimately it’s his recovery - his sobriety is his, he owns it. You have to find a way to separate what you want for a client and what they want for themselves.”
This piece of wisdom was something I could intellectualise but had not as of yet accepted in my heart. I knew that I needed to find a way to understand and accept that My will i.e. control issues were not always in the best interest of the clients I serve.

I went online and searched for a program that might help me better understand my relationship to my clients. That program was ALANON.

The issue of control is a large piece of the mindset of persons who are attracted to the field of Recovery as well as the major issue of the loved ones of alcohol abusers. Whether one chooses to use “Co-dependent”, “Enabler”, or the idiom “Control Freak” they are all the same behaviours. Too often persons who are attracted to the field of Recovery are unconsciously motivated by the mis-belief that because they are in recovery/sober they know what others need. They may have a great deal of empathy, don't get me wrong. Unfortunately their empathy is a result of mis-guided perceptions of themselves.

The psychology behind the control freak is interesting to note. Someone who needs to control is someone who is terrified that they will be found to be vulnerable. A person who needs to be in charge, who can not back off is a person who's greatest fear is of being found out to be merely human - this fear dominates their behaviours and their relationships with others.

It is thru ALANON that I learned that the behaviours of alcohol abusers belong to them. I learned that the manipulation, the denial, the compulsion to drink; all behaviours of the alcohol abuser, aren't within my power to control. I have learned that what I can control is how I present myself. I can control what I say and what I do.

It is thru ALANON I have been able to examine my family dynamic and understand my parent's behaviours and my sibling's behaviours. I understand that alcoholism is a family disease and whether drinking or not the learned behaviours associated with alcohol abuse in my family have been handed down for several generations. It is said that alcoholism is a hereditary disease. It is important to note here that the entire human genome has been mapped and there is no known genetic marker to indicate a biological inheritance. Having said that I will reiterate what I pointed out earlier – nearly all human behaviours are learned behaviours and if you look at your family of origin honestly and without prejudice you will come to understand that your behaviours are the sum total of your experiences and those experiences began when you arrived home from hospital.

The interpersonal relationships between the enabler and the alcohol abuser are unhealthy relationships. The enabler manipulates and attempts to control the drinker and in return the drinker manipulates and attempts to control the enabler. Around and around they go, sometimes for years. It’s interesting to note that often when the drinker gets sober and remains in the program the enabler leaves the relationship and finds another drinker. Sometimes if both partners are drinkers and they join a program their relationship ends because they have discovered their relationship was based solely on behaviours related to using. They discover they have nothing in common.

ALANON has given me more in the past three years than I could ever hope to return. In our one hour sessions we share the experience, hope, and strength with one another that allows us to live richer and more fulfilling lives regardless of what the alcohol abuser is doing. That one hour meeting is not a bitch-fest where we discuss the alcohol abuser(s) in our lives. The program is about the individual ALANON member. It’s a selfish program sometimes. It is not that we don't care about the drunk or drunks in our lives. It is about us learning to respect the individual to find their own way. By attending meetings and reading the literature we are re-enforced and keep an even keel in bad seas. We have learned that nagging, cajoling, and manipulating the user only makes the user more resistant to begin the process of wanting to examine their behaviours. Individuals grow at their own rate. It is a fundamental human right to be allowed to find one's path in life without interference from persons whose motives may be suspect. There was only ever one good one and they hung Him on a tree.

I began this evening with Paddy and how he perceived that there were trees blocking the lane way. It took a Garda to point out Paddy's mis-perception.

ALANON has taught me that my perceptions about myself, the clients I have served, and those close to me have been skewed by my fears that I might be found out to be only human. It is a humbling experience to be accepted for my flaws as well as my strengths. The rooms of ALANON have given me this.

Thank you and good night.