"How Things Are Made"

Before there was a Starbucks on every block of both sides of the streets of the City. Before there was that odd little Dunkin Donuts man with the mustache shuffling across his bedroom floor at 4 am “to make the donuts”. Before America decided that caffeine was a legitimate stimulant with which to increase one's anxiety to levels heretofore unknown outside hospital mental health wards there was Tim Horton's.
Tim Horton was a hockey player in the early days of the NHL. He was killed, tragically, in a plane crash. When rescuers came upon the fuselage of the DHC-3 Otter airplane in the wilderness that is much of Canada all that could be identified of him were his testicles. Wolverines had ravaged the corpses of the crash victims. More about this later.
A Tim Horton's franchise is now being created at the rate one every eight minutes. It is the fastest growing enterprise in North America. In the States a Tim Horton's restaurant is also a Canadian embassy where citizens can obtain tourist information and find respite. Tim Horton's has the finest coffee and donuts in the world. There are several reasons why Tim Horton products far surpass its competitors.
The grease Tim Horton's uses to fry the donuts and used in the pastries and pies is a byproduct of the fur industry. The annual harp seal harvest creates an unlimited supply of fresh blubber. After a pup seal is clubbed it is dragged by its rear flippers to waiting skinners. With assembly line precession the skin is removed; the carcass is processed into sled dog food, and the pelts are stretched inside out. While on the fleshing boards workers quickly scrape the fat off and send it down the line to be rendered. The fat is placed in large vats and heated at high temperature to turn the solid fat into liquid. The meat that came off the skin with the fat does not liquefy. It remains solid and is sold to vendors who have concession stands at curling clubs and hockey arenas. “Seal on a stick” is very popular in Canada and is similar to the corn dog sold in the States. The now liquid fat is pumped into tanker transports and shipped to a central warehouse for distribution to franchises.
The coffee at Tim Horton's is a special brew. The beans used are from both South America and Africa. What makes the blend superior as compared to Horton's competitors is what is done to the beans before they are ground. Canadian Agribusiness subsidised by the ministries of Agriculture and Natural Resources owns and operates huge factory farms where pregnant cow moose are husbanded. The moose are kept in stanchions and their urine is collected in a gutter. The urine is pumped into tanks and the imported coffee beans are then dumped in to marinade. After a time the beans are removed, roasted and ground. This helps to explain why Canada has the lowest birth rate among third world nations.
Tim Horton was an iconic Canadian sports figure. His prowess on the ice can be attributed to the high testosterone levels recorded at his regular medicals. Horton's testicles were much larger than the average male. Forensic experts were able to determine it was indeed Horton when they examined the recovered parts of the wolverine ravaged remains from the crash site. Horton's testicles were declared by a unanimous vote of Parliament as a national treasure to be preserved and are on display at the Natural History Museum in Ottawa. "Tim Bits" are large cylindrical deep fried dough balls the exact dimensions of Mr. Horton's.
Next time you're in a Horton's you may hear a patron say, “Please double-cup that.” This phrase is self-explanatory. You may also hear a recording of a gravelly baritone voiced man in a sing/speak manner recite dour lyrics over the restaurant's speakers. Do not be alarmed by this. It is most likely Canada's poet laureate Leonard Cohen. Sit back and relax! Enjoy your coffee and Tim Bits.