"All the faulty pointed people in the perfect pointed steeple"

During the Reagan years the euphemism “revenue enhancement” entered the lexicon to describe ways 

new taxes could be created to help pay for services necessary to keep government solvent. Thirty years later as local and state governments scramble to pay for services once funded by the Federal government one sector of society remains tax exempt. While “sin taxes” are periodically increased on alcohol, gambling, and tobacco there remains no tax on the property and income generated by religious organizations. It is time legislatures look at the potential for increasing revenues by creating a “self-righteous” tax.

For too long self-described “Christians” have been flexing their beliefs and values on persons who may disagree with them. These Christians have been getting a free ride by erecting churches and meeting houses and not paying any taxes on the land or buildings. At the same time they remain property tax exempt they also are not paying an “ether tax” on the prayers they generate. The ether is owned by the American people as described in current legislation. Persons who pray should have to pay for this privilege. A “Rapture” tax may also be included in these new revenue enhancement tools. The “Rapture” tax would be applied each time a Christian leader and his followers set a date for the occurrence and after it fails to manifest.  They will have to tithe ten percent of their Church's income to their local government. Should the Rapture occur all the property owned by those gathered up by it will be seized by the government and sold in the open market place.
The “self-righteous” tax will also include all actions deemed to be hypocritical by the legislature. With Jesus in their hearts each time a Christian has an adulterous relationship, strikes a child, or criticizes another person they will have to declare this on their annual tax return. Also, the display of a fish on an automobile will be licensed by a state's DMV.
A special tax on Gospel music will be included in the revenue enhancement package. Each time some wanna be cross-over singer who sang in their church's choir adds an annoying and unnecessary tremolo to a lyric they will have to pay a tax.
The perceived identification of the image of Jesus in snack foods, stains, or the grain of wood will be taxed.
Angels will be identified as legal aliens and will require a Green card. A tax on all of their activities will be enforced. Should an angel fail to pay their “good deeds” tax they will be striped of their legal alien status and sent back to where they came from.
Persons who condemn abortion and endorse Capital punishment will be taxed. There will appear on their annual tax return a cheque box asking if they believe abortion is an affront to God. They will be asked if they believe the death penalty is God's will.
As social services continue to struggle to keep up with the growing demand of disenfranchised individuals and family's revenue enhancement through the creation of tax parity among citizens seems appropriate. Its time legislatures at all levels of government recognise there is an untapped resource available. Let's examine the “self-righteous” tax as a viable revenue source.

Does the noise in my head bother you?

In the days before radio and long before tele became an essential piece of functional furniture in dysfunctional homes there was Vaudeville and there was Burlesque. While Vaudeville featured acts that were socially acceptable for mixed gender audiences it was Burlesque that was the for the most part the domain of men. Burlesque houses featured strippers, comedians, and male and female impersonators. The Burlesque house was a place where men could be titillated and teased.
The organisation behind the entertainment consisted of the house owner, his staff of stage hands, the booking agent, the entertainer's agent and at the bottom of this pyramid was the entertainer. Agents back then like today would get a percentage paid to them by their clients. Agents gained a reputation based on their ability to get an act work. A good agent could sell any act to a booking agent. It is said that one such agent in New York had an act from Europe that he was certain would pack houses up and down the East Coast. His pitch it is said went something like this:

Agent: “Saul, I got an act for you you can't say “No” to.”

Booking Agent: “What is it Mortie?”

Agent: “Saul, it’s a family act from Europe. They brought down the house everywhere they appeared before coming here to New York.”

Booking Agent: “Go on tell me more.”

Agent: “Saul, there is the father and mother, a son and a daughter.”

Booking Agent: “We got those here, Mortie. What do they do?”

Agent: “Well, it’s a little complicated but I'll try to explain what they tell me. The father, a very distinguished gentleman enters stage left wearing a tuxedo. He sits down in a Bentwood chair stage center and pulls out his putz and starts to pleasure himself. His wife enters stage right and kneels down in front of her husband and takes his putz in her mouth. He stands up while she's doing this and he takes off his coat, his shirt and his undershirt. He's bare chested standing there while his wife has his putz in her mouth. He leans forward and grabs her skirts and pulls them up over her head exposing her bare toches. A teenage boy comes out from stage left, who is the couple's son. The son drops his pants and mounts his mother's toches and begins to give it to her while she's got his father's putz in her mouth. The father is cheering on his son and looks to stage right and signals for the forth member of the troupe to come out. A teenage girl comes out on stage and takes off all her clothes in front of her brother and father and mother. She squats down on the stage and makes right there while her brother is buggering his mother and the mother has the father's putz in her mouth. The girl picks up what she made and walks over to her father and smears the drek all over her father's bare chest. She rubs the make on herself and then gets behind her brother and grabbing his head she rubs it all over her naked drek covered body. The curtain comes down and the audience, I'm told, goes mad and demands an encore.”

Booking Agent: “Jesus, Mortie! I have never heard of anything like that in my life! What the Hell kind of act is that? What do they call they call themselves?”

Agent: “The Aristocrats.”

Deviant Social Behaviours

Stuff to do this summer while waiting for the job market to improve*

1.) Carve the image of politicians into urinal cakes and distribute in public restrooms.
2.) Go to a dollar store, randomly pick up items and in a loud voice inquire, “How much is this?”
3.) Visit your local Walmart and defecate in the men's dressing room.
4.) Visit the drive-up speaker at a Burger King and order a Whopper. Request extra udder with that.
5.) On the hottest day of the summer season dig out your winter gear – Pac boots, snow pants, parka, mittens and wool cap. Walk around town asking folks, “Hot enuff fer ya?”
6.) Call your veterinarian and explain to him/her that your cat refuses to use its litter box and will only do its business in your gold open toed 5 inch stiletto heel sling backs. Ask him or her what can be done about this.
7.) At a four way intersection do not proceed thru the green light. While the drivers behind you honk in frustration wait until the light goes to red. When the light goes to green do not move. At the last minute before the light changes from yellow to red drive on.
8.) Find a busy pharmacy and while in the queue ask in a loud voice, “Is this the queue for the free Oxycontin?”
9.) Visit the market's fresh seafood section. Request a pound of fresh raw shrimp. Place the shrimp in your trolley and as you move up and down the aisles shopping strategically put a shrimp at the back of the shelves behind the jars, tins, and boxes of products. Return several days later and complain of the odor.
10.)In an email to all your contacts announce henceforth you will only respond if referred to as “The Dude”. Act annoyed if co-workers, friends and family address you by your Christian name.
11.) Visit the produce section of the market on a busy day and make statements such as, “Those melons appear to be firm.” Ask fellow shoppers, “Do you think this cucumber/summer squash/banana will satisfy my partner's appetite?”
12.) Visit the local Family Video. Ask the clerk where the kiddie porn section is.
13.) While out and about approach strangers and ask, “What if the Hokey-Pokey IS what its all about?”
14.) Buy several dozen condoms. Visit the local Catholic church after daily morning mass and moving across the pews insert a wrapped condom into each hymnal.
15.) At the light on an arterial signal the driver of the baby shit yellow coloured car next to you to roll down their window. Ask how much the dealer paid them to drive that car off his lot.
16.) Go online and find the times and locations of local Alcoholic Anonymous meetings. Arrive an hour early. Leave a couple of full beers at the entrance.
17.) Visit a singles club on a Saturday night. Approach an eager looking woman and compliment her on her appearance. Make small talk. Look down at her shoes and then into her eyes. Say, “Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?”
18.) Visit a pet store and release all of the animals from their cages and pens.
19.) Visit a different pet store and explain to the clerk you are having friends over for the holiday weekend. Inquire how much puppies are by the pound and ask if you can have them dressed.
20.) Rent a clown costume; apply a grease paint clown face. Stand at an intersection with a cardboard sign that reads, “Will drop pants for food.”
21.) At property tax time purchase a package of KY Jelly. Carefully open the package and remove the tube. Open the packaging completely and on the inside of the box make out a cheque for the full amount of tax owed. Present to the Assessor. Be sure to include on the memo line what the cheque is for.
22.) Dress in gnarly trash boots, black trousers, studded belt, black tee shirt with a pentagram. Apply eye shadow, mascara and black lipstick. Attend a Fundamentalist Christian Sunday service.
23.) Drive to the airport with an empty suitcase. Park. Enter the main building and proceed to the lounge area. Place the suitcase next to a chair. Leave.
24.) Over several summer evenings collect moths in a fruit jar. On the day of the premiere of a Hollywood Summer blockbuster at the cinema purchase a ticket. At the climax of the film release the moths. They will immediately fly towards the projector light and cloud the screen.
25.) The Highway Department routinely lays cables across the road to count the number of vehicles. Front tires hit the cable indicating one “ding” and the rear tires pass over indicating a second “ding” in the counter box. The number of “dings” is then divided by two to achieve an accurate accounting of cars using the road. Approach the cables with your car. Drive over with your front tires. Move forward until your rear wheels are near the cables but have not crossed them. Get out of your car, using the jack from the boot raise up the rear of the car and push it forward off the jack with the rear wheels missing the cables. Highway engineers will scratch their heads wondering why they repeatedly come up with an odd number in their calculations.
26.)Visit a Walmart Super Centre at 3 am. In the garden centre select a long handled shovel and a pick ax and place in trolley. Move on to sporting goods and select a 6 D cell Mag lite. In house wares select a shank of clothesline and a roll of duct tape. Place items on conveyor belt. If cashier speaks to you stare vacantly and do not respond. Pay with cash.
27.)Post a homage to Swift on your blog site. Title it “The Ultimate Act of Selfishness”. Your sardonic wit will be misinterpreted. Remind yourself that "if you can't please everybody you might as well please yourself”.




*For entertainment purposes only. This disclaimer includes no responsibility to pop psychology enthusiasts who have neither the education or experience concerning mental health issues to make a diagnosis based on what appears on a blog site.

Public Speaking 101

PRESENTATION to a closed meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and ALANON



Skaneateles NY



April 13 2009







Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. My name is Bill and I am here tonight to tell you about ALANON.







To break the ice I'll begin with an old joke. Don't stop me if you've heard this one. Paddy the Irishman had finished drinking at his local and closed the pub. He stumbled out to his Mini and got out on the lane way. Paddy got the old Mini into 4th gear and is motoring down the lane way when he sees what appears to be a large tree in the road. Paddy swerved to the left and as he did so another tree appeared so Paddy swerved to the right. “Mother of Christ” Paddy says, “What in the name of the Blessed Virgin is happening?” Paddy is tearing down the lane, slaloming from the left to right and back again. He flies past the Garda at 100 km who is hiding in his car in the hedgerow and the Garda peels out after Paddy with his lights flashing and his siren blaring. He watches as Paddy continues to swerve from side to side and gets on Paddy's arse so Paddy will notice him. Paddy stops in the center of the lane. The Garda walks up to Paddy's window and says, “Paddy, what the hell are ya doin' drivin' like a maniac down the lane way?”



Paddy tells the Garda about the trees in the road. The Garda looks at Paddy, looks at the Mini's rear view mirror and looks back at Paddy and says, “Fer Christ's sake, Paddy! That was yer air freshener!”







It’s all about perception.







I'd like to tell you about myself. I am a reformed alcohol abuser. I developed an allergy to alcohol many years ago. The last few times I drank I broke out in handcuffs and to avoid this unpleasant side-affect I stopped drinking.







Several years ago I was encouraged to find another occupation. Having a gift for empathy I began to take classes offered at a local junior college. Simultaneous to this I began to take the training offered by OASAS in substance abuse. My interest in substance abuse was at the time a direct result of my studies in clinical psychology. I achieved my CASACT and a degree in Human Services. I went on to Uni to gain my Bachelor's degree in Psychology. Having achieved these goals I then had to find a way to pay for them.







I have worked at several area facilities.







I accepted a position at a local substance abuse facility and became a case manager. I was fortunate because my peers, my program manager and program director were very professional. I liked my work and where I worked.







One afternoon, my program manager took me aside and asked me, “What the hell is going on? Johnny came to me and said you told him you were going to put him in prison.”



News to me.



I explained that Johnny had a lot of potential but his behaviours lately indicated that a relapse was imminent and that would mean that the 7-10 bid in State he was facing seemed likely. I explained I had been doing everything I could to help him avoid that.



The Program Manager said to me two things: “Ultimately it’s his recovery - his sobriety is his, he owns it. You have to find a way to separate what you want for a client and what they want for themselves.”



This piece of wisdom was something I could intellectualise but had not as of yet accepted in my heart. I knew that I needed to find a way to understand and accept that My will i.e. control issues were not always in the best interest of the clients I serve.







I went online and searched for a program that might help me better understand my relationship to my clients. That program was ALANON.







The issue of control is a large piece of the mindset of persons who are attracted to the field of Recovery as well as the major issue of the loved ones of alcohol abusers. Whether one chooses to use “Co-dependent”, “Enabler”, or the idiom “Control Freak” they are all the same behaviours. Too often persons who are attracted to the field of Recovery are unconsciously motivated by the mis-belief that because they are in recovery/sober they know what others need. They may have a great deal of empathy, don't get me wrong. Unfortunately their empathy is a result of mis-guided perceptions of themselves.







The psychology behind the control freak is interesting to note. Someone who needs to control is someone who is terrified that they will be found to be vulnerable. A person who needs to be in charge, who can not back off is a person who's greatest fear is of being found out to be merely human - this fear dominates their behaviours and their relationships with others.







It is thru ALANON that I learned that the behaviours of alcohol abusers belong to them. I learned that the manipulation, the denial, the compulsion to drink; all behaviours of the alcohol abuser, aren't within my power to control. I have learned that what I can control is how I present myself. I can control what I say and what I do.







It is thru ALANON I have been able to examine my family dynamic and understand my parent's behaviours and my sibling's behaviours. I understand that alcoholism is a family disease and whether drinking or not the learned behaviours associated with alcohol abuse in my family have been handed down for several generations. It is said that alcoholism is a hereditary disease. It is important to note here that the entire human genome has been mapped and there is no known genetic marker to indicate a biological inheritance. Having said that I will reiterate what I pointed out earlier – nearly all human behaviours are learned behaviours and if you look at your family of origin honestly and without prejudice you will come to understand that your behaviours are the sum total of your experiences and those experiences began when you arrived home from hospital.







The interpersonal relationships between the enabler and the alcohol abuser are unhealthy relationships. The enabler manipulates and attempts to control the drinker and in return the drinker manipulates and attempts to control the enabler. Around and around they go, sometimes for years. It’s interesting to note that often when the drinker gets sober and remains in the program the enabler leaves the relationship and finds another drinker. Sometimes if both partners are drinkers and they join a program their relationship ends because they have discovered their relationship was based solely on behaviours related to using. They discover they have nothing in common.







ALANON has given me more in the past three years than I could ever hope to return. In our one hour sessions we share the experience, hope, and strength with one another that allows us to live richer and more fulfilling lives regardless of what the alcohol abuser is doing. That one hour meeting is not a bitch-fest where we discuss the alcohol abuser(s) in our lives. The program is about the individual ALANON member. It’s a selfish program sometimes. It is not that we don't care about the drunk or drunks in our lives. It is about us learning to respect the individual to find their own way. By attending meetings and reading the literature we are re-enforced and keep an even keel in bad seas. We have learned that nagging, cajoling, and manipulating the user only makes the user more resistant to begin the process of wanting to examine their behaviours. Individuals grow at their own rate. It is a fundamental human right to be allowed to find one's path in life without interference from persons whose motives may be suspect. There was only ever one good one and they hung Him on a tree.







I began this evening with Paddy and how he perceived that there were trees blocking the lane way. It took a Garda to point out Paddy's mis-perception.







ALANON has taught me that my perceptions about myself, the clients I have served, and those close to me have been skewed by my fears that I might be found out to be only human. It is a humbling experience to be accepted for my flaws as well as my strengths. The rooms of ALANON have given me this.







Thank you and good night.